Ruminations
by cyathula
Summary: Kain returned to his senses at Zot, but could he ever truly return to his friends? And when Rydia shows up, it doesn't help his guilt trip at all, or does it? Each chapter, a different person's view on Kain,and his journey for redemption.
1. Chapter 1: Kain

**Something that came into my head one fine evening. I know it could probably still use some improvement and description, but I had to get it out of my head. This takes place when you're trying to defend the Dwarves' crystal in the underworld. And after fighting Golbez with a dying Cecil and comically low-HP Rydia. I tore my hair out on that battle, I swear the DS version definitely turned the challenge up a notch. Anyway, in FF4, our heroes walk around and just randomly get into fights without talking to each other. The DS version at least improved the characters to the point of thinking solitary thoughts to themselves... but after Rydia shows up again, I can't help but think there should have been so many important conversations that needed to take place.**

**Also, the conversation below came out of my head, it doesn't follow game script, so please don't get too livid. Oh, and I changed something that I thought was hilariously stupid. Okay, please read and enjoy!**

_EDIT: this is version 4 of the first chapter. Many thanks to Meeerf for telling me to shape up this first chapter! And yes, I rather got the chapter by character thing from George RR Martin. But please, his writing is way out of control good. Now, this chapter should all be from Kain's point of view. If anyone catches someone else thinking that I missed, let me know!_

**I don't own Final Fantasy anything, if I did, I wouldn't be posting on here.**

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Ruminations

Kain

_The green, wild hair. Green eyes. So familiar..._

"Who is she, Cecil?" Kain asked, feeling like he should know this girl who had unexpectedly come in their darkest hour in their fight against Golbez. Golbez had drained each of their lives one by one, finding amusement in toying with their lives. It wasn't until Cecil was about to receive his turn that the girl with green hair saved him and through great difficulty, revived each of them.

"She is Rydia, of Myst."

"Really?? The girl whose—"

"Yes, the very same," Cecil said, cutting Kain off.

"What happened to you, Rydia?" Yang asked.

"Leviathan took me to the Feymarch, the land where the Eidolons reside. There, time flows differently..."

"So that's why you look so much older now..." Rosa said, amazed.

"How did you know we were here?"

"The Queen of the Eidolons sensed a great evil that we must stand together and face. She directed me here, to aid in the battle against Golbez."

Within moments Rydia was engulfed in a large hug from Rosa. "I'm glad you're here, I'm so happy to see you again."

"And I, you! So it seems Cecil rescued you after all! What happened to Edward?" Rydia asked, looking from Cecil to Yang.

"We found Edward in Troia, Rydia. He's currently very sick, but I'm sure he would be extremely happy to see you when you get a chance to stop by!" Cecil said, smiling.

Everyone was all smiles, all cheers. All the while standing in front of Golbez's supposedly dead body. Kain found it really unsettling and uncomfortable. The girl did recognize him. He saw her glance at him in shock then harden for a second. She didn't need to ask who he was. He moved quietly behind the crowd toward Golbez, who lain face down.

_You will pay for what you've done... ruining my life, my friends, my honor... putting me in this vile situation._

Kain resisted an urge to kick the still figure. He almost wished the man would rise again so he could personally kill him himself. Half of him couldn't believe that Golbez would die so easily. Kain continued to stand there, staring at the large black-clad figure with revulsion. He fingered his lance as he debated whether to give the monster a final stab.

Yes, he loved Rosa, and he hated Cecil for it. But Cecil was his best friend, and while Rosa loved him like a brother, her true love was reserved only for Cecil. He knew that. They all grew up as best friends, but in the end, it was either Cecil or him that was going to end up being only a friend...and he accepted the choice she effortlessly made... but the bitterness was always there, affecting his friendship with Cecil, who thankfully was too nice to notice any changes in his best friend. This bitterness... if only he had not been torn from Cecil during the earthquake at Myst... if only he didn't return to Baron castle... if only Golbez never came. Golbez saw his bitter weakness as if he wore it on his sleeve. Just like that. Just because he answered the summon of his king to meet Baron's new advisor...

"What's wrong, Kain?" Cecil asked, looking genuinely concerned as he walked over to him.

"I just can't believe someone as powerful as Golbez can die this easily."

Cecil looked down upon the still figure apprehensively. The others then noticed and walked over, realizing they had more or less forgotten about the enemy.

Now everyone had come over to disturb his thoughts and take a look at the monster. He wasn't too happy about it, but at the same time he did wonder how they could be so dumb as to not make sure the enemy was really dead. Vile creature... he had to make sure the monster was truly dead. He narrowed his eyes at the prone figure. He was almost too still... Within seconds, he twirled the lance he still had in his hand and brought it down between Golbez's helmet and armor—but hit the thick glass floor instead, cracks branching out through the glass from his spear tip. He could hear everyone's swift intake of breath as he quickly looked up to search for Golbez.

Golbez floated behind the dark crystal, his hand wrapping around it. "Such a shame, Kain. You served me so well. Do you really want to be with your old friends? No one will trust you anymore. Why not relinquish yourself to me forever?"

Kain gritted his teeth furiously. "Accursed fiend, you created this situation! Stealing control of my body and forcing me to watch everything you did in my name! I will never fall under your spell again!" Not sparing a second, he threw his spear toward Golbez, who let out a deep laughter as he vanished with the crystal just when the spear would have struck him in the chest.

"_...I'm humbled that you give me full credit for your actions. But all I did was to set your dark side free and give him the lady love that you craved. And know that he will always return to my bidding, ever grateful..._"

The shocked silence was broken only by the sound his spear striking deep into the glass wall behind the crystal dais.

Kain's legs shook. They shouldn't shake. He was a dragoon, the steadiest of warriors! The feelings were unbearable. He wanted to just disappear and be alone. He didn't want to hear anyone's wary talk of trusting him, or hear any kind of apology come out of their mouths. He walked silently away from the group to retrieve his spear, his footsteps echoing off the glass chamber. He yanked his spear out of the wall, and squeezed his eyes shut.

A dark side. Golbez basically just told the group that he couldn't be trusted, since he harbored some traitorous dark side. A dark side that everyone knows about now: his jealousy of Cecil over Rosa. There could be nothing more dishonorable than such a puerile emotion made public.

"Kain..."

He heard the light footsteps on the glass floor and he knew the voice belonged to Rosa. And she was the last person he wanted to see right now. With his eyes still closed, he turned and faced the wall.

"No... stay away. I've done enough. I won't be a liability anymore."

Keeping his eyes averted, Kain quickly walked around behind the crystal dais, away from Rosa.

"No, Kain, wait—"

"I can't be trusted! I can't even trust myself! You all heard, so you should all understand!"

The rest of the group was still standing at the head of the dais, curious eyes following him as Rosa started walking faster to catch up. He kept his gaze averted from the group, though they stayed in his peripheral view. Cecil still looked unsure and hesitant even when Rosa joined him by his side. No one was going to stop him if he truly left the room...

"Kain! Come back!"

Kain stopped and turned around at Cecil's voice. His friend smiled shakily in relief, though Kain was could still see the uncertainty in his eyes as he strode toward him.

"Kain, you have been my best friend all my life, I trust—"

"No you don't. None of you trust me. Not after all I've done. I can only regain my own honor by killing Golbez myself. I've done nothing to gain your trust! Don't give me your falsehoods!"

Now Cecil took a quick step out, put his hands on Kain's shoulders, and shook him violently. "Everyone has a dark side. He could have manipulated anyone, but you were the strongest and most capable of all, so he used you. You're yourself again, Kain, the best friend I ever had. Come, fight Golbez with us. Your grievances are my grievances. We will destroy him together."

"You heard the man, I don't even think I can trust myself. I can see in your eyes that you don't trust me. Leave me be."

"If the evil ever takes you again, I will always search for a way to free you. I wish I could give you my absolute trust, but I'm willing to take the risk to fight by you side by side.

Kain wanted to just scream at Cecil for acting such a saint, but he kept himself under control. "If you wish... I will help you as much as I can."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The dynamics were exactly as he knew they would be. Cecil and Rosa continued to shower forced, unneeded attention on him, while Yang treated him courteously, and girl from Myst acted like he didn't exist... except for the occasional curious look when he looked the other way.

His crimes would never be forgiven. They will never look at him the same way again. He himself could not act the way he was before. Though he always did regard himself as more cynical than anyone else, he knew now that he had become even more bitter and distant. He blamed Golbez for destroying his honor, his life, his friends. However, deep inside, he knew... knew that the fault lay with deep within himself.

They had eaten their evening meal and everyone was preparing to go to sleep. They were on their way to the Tower of Bab-il. There were no obvious nights in the underworld, so they pitched camp whenever they felt exhausted. As usual, he volunteered for the first watch.

Kain sat on a high ledge of a small rocky hill. He could see the tents and all the lands around, but his gaze automatically fell on the girls' tent. Rosa... he loved her so much... or was it love? He wanted her so badly... and that led to his downfall. Their personalities were so different. She could never be as happy with him. And he always knew that. He had gone through the laundry list of why they really wouldn't be a good match so many times, trying to use logic to temper his emotions. But the cold logic failed him every time.

He closed his eyes and gave himself a mental slap. Forget romantic love, he just wanted to be accepted again, to just be the friends they were before... and with Cecil as well. He wanted it so badly, he felt he could choke from the need.

He shifted a bit to lay against a small boulder, leaning his head back to look at the sky. Instead of a black inky sky dotted with stars and two moons, he found only the rough ceiling of the underworld, illuminated by the bright seas of magma. He let out a sigh and forced himself to relax. He took a deep breath—such scalding hot air... _Stop. Stop... thinking!_ He let it all out in a rush, trying to purge himself of his ceaseless thoughts. He was able to achieve a moment of silence in his head before the ruminations started up again. He couldn't sleep. He can never sleep. Yang and Cecil berated him for never waking them up for their turn at watch. He always told them he was perfectly fine and well-rested enough. Thankfully his helmet hid the baggage he knew were under his eyes. His reaction time had been significantly reduced, but he was still able to keep his head level enough. He felt so tired... he would give anything to drop into a world of dreamless sleep. But sleep never came for him, only ceaseless rumination of the same damned things.

Belatedly, he realized someone was climbing his solitary rock.

He quickly turned around. He didn't expect anything sinister, based on the lightness of the steps, but he couldn't hide his surprise when the person turned out to be the girl from Myst.

"Why aren't you asleep?"

"I couldn't sleep," the green-haired girl said simply with a faint smile.

Kain didn't have much to say to that, so he just turned his head back to stare at the strange scaly ceiling above. "So you would come and keep the most hated man in your life company, is that it?"

"I never said I hated you."

"I can tell. And I don't blame you for any of it. I've ruined your life the day I stepped into it with Cecil."

"Oh... yes, and the next time I saw you, you were taking Fabul's Crystal under Golbez's orders. But I still don't hate you, though I still resent what you said that first day I met you."

"What did I say?"

"That you would have to kill me too, along with the rest of my village."

Kain tried hard to remember the harried events of that day. "Oh... I assume at the time I was still loyal to a fault to a King that was not my King. I apologize for what I said that day... and for what... what we did. I've accumulated plenty of sins, if I could atone for all of it, I would."

He was so lost thinking about his past crimes that he jumped when he realized that Rydia had just sat herself next to him and was leaning against the same boulder. Her hands were laced behind her head, and her gaze was fixed on the ceiling.

"You're punishing yourself harder than anyone of us could. I know Cecil and Rosa are probably going a bit far trying to make you feel at home. Yang is always courteous... and will always be the gentleman that he is. But the sins you talk about, they weren't even really done by you."

"You don't know that."

"If they weren't, then you should just kill all of us now."

"What is it that you are trying to get at?" Kain said, feeling a bit irritated.

"I just... I just wanted to let you know that I hold you blameless for what happened at Myst. Neither you nor Cecil knew what that item would do. Neither of you knew...knew that the dragon you killed was my mother. I could blame you forever, but the person who was truly behind all of this is Golbez. He was the one that wanted us dead, not you. That night in Kaipo when the Baron guards had found us, Cecil refused to turn me over. Had Titan split the earth differently, and you and Cecil changed places... what would you have done?"  
_  
It was Golbez's fault. All of it. _ It was a relief to hear the Myst girl try to forgive him for destroying her life. He could still remember her as a little girl, face covered in tears and the blank horror that contorted her face when she realized he and Cecil were the ones that killed her mother. It's amazing she could be so forgi—

"Well?"

Huh? "Well, what?"

Then he noticed her cheeks were all red and she looked incredibly embarrassed. She had drawn her knees against her chest. She suddenly looked up at him in surprise and... relief?

"Oh, you did...didn't hear my question?"

Maybe his brain was failing him... Then again, he hadn't slept in days... "Er, sorry, please say it again."

"Uh, it wasn't important..."

Now he was curious. "I see. So what did you say?"

"It wasn't im—"

"I'm afraid it must be, because you don't want to say it again. So what did you say?"

Rydia frowned. "Well... I was just wondering what you would do if...if you a-and Cecil had switched places after the quake at Myst a-and whether you—it's not important."

Kain smiled slightly. _ Ah._ "It is important. To be perfectly honest, I don't know. Cecil may really be a plaster saint—even in his dark armor—and maybe you got lucky. That's an interesting thought though... Cecil would have been in serious trouble if he landed on the Baron side... however. No, I don't think I'm callous enough to just leave you to die in the desert. But I think it is still better for you to resent me and leave Cecil the holy knight that he is. It's easier that way."

Rydia shook her head sadly. "He wasn't a plaster saint and he definitely wasn't 'holy' the last time I saw him. If Mount Ordeals was all that he needed to do to be holy, then maybe we all should go there for a visit."

"Based on what he told me, that 'light' seemed to already know him, calling him 'his son' and whatnot. I have a feeling we'd just get the cold shoulder. Or at least it would let you know that you have no reason to want to overhaul yourself—and for me, that I'm beyond hope."

"What do you know of me that would make you say that I'm not anything but perfect?"

Kain gave her a strange look. "Why, are you actual an evil sorceress who's been killing innocent people and am plotting to betray Cecil?"

Rydia burst out laughing, which took him by surprise. "No, no, though it's really a matter of perspective whether I am 'evil' or not. I believe the creatures we've been fighting on our way to Bab-il would not find me kind."

"I'm not sure they think anything at all, to be honest. Tell me, why have you come here talk to me when you haven't said a thing to me since you joined our little party?"

"I didn't know what to say."

"That's it? And now you have plenty of words at your disposal."

"Did you want me to talk to you?"  
_  
What? Where'd she pull that from??_ "I was expecting the status quo, that was all."

"I did hate you at first, but I'd been doing a lot of thinking now that you and Cecil are both here... I was able to forgive Cecil a long time ago, since he saved me and vowed to protect me after the Kaipo incident. I haven't had that chance with you. But I know it wasn't your fault. Tell me, what happened to you after the quake? I just want to know."

"Why?" Kain gave her a confused look as he yawned and stretched his arms. She looked so disconcerted that he just chuckled and answered her question. "I found myself alone in the remains of the village. I searched the whole town over for you two before I went back to Baron."

"Then what?" Rydia after a long pause.

"I had to report to the King, of course. He wanted me to meet his new adviser in all haste."

"Oh... then what happened?"

"Once the guards closed the door and left me alone with the that king and Baigan the chancellor, the king introduced his new adviser, Golbez. Whatever suspicions Cecil and I had about the king was made crystal clear. Golbez instantly immobilized me with Hold, then re-inroduced the king as one of his four fiends, Cagnazzo. When Cagnazzo apologized for my return, I realized he had sent me and Cecil to Myst to eliminate not only your town, but ourselves as well. Unfortunately, Golbez decided I was actually a valuable asset. He threw another spell on me and the next thing I knew, I was kneeling on the ground praising him."

"That must've been... really weird."

"It was. I really don't know what he did. It was like there were two of me. The normal me who could only observe and mentally scream at what I was doing, and this other me which is like a heavily magnified version of the very thing I hated about myself."

"Rosa?"

"I grew up with Rosa and Cecil. There really isn't a better match for Rosa than Cecil, but it didn't matter. I could not help feeling jealous and angry—as childish as it sounds. I never said anything about it to Rosa, so when this 'other me' took over, I find it highly mortifying... the things I said and did. It was a serious weakness of character, and Golbez exploited it very well."

"In the end, it really just came down to the fact that you happened to be on the wrong side of the quake..." Rydia said softy, watching at the constant changing pattern of lights shining off the magma and onto the ceiling above.

"If fate was the one to damn me to suffer, then I can't feel more powerless than I do now. I know now that I desperately need to purge this 'dark side', this black poison from my soul... If it lets Golbez control me again... Rydia, I want you to kill me."

Rydia whipped her head around, eyes widened in shock. "How could you tell me to do such a thing!"

"My honor will be beyond salvaging. I'm so tired, Rydia. If I were to be taken advantage of for a second time, I wouldn't be able to face any of you again... and the shame would be unbearable."

Rydia suddenly stood up, her hands balled into fists. He was just registering that she looked strangely furious, before suddenly his cheek was smarting in pain as Rydia slapped him hard.

"What the hell was that for??" Kain yelled angrily, staring at an almost unreadable expression on the girl's face.

"Coward!" she said, still looking angry. "Even Edward's better than you! Only a weakling would wish to die for such stupid reasons! Even if you were to be taken a second time, you can still break free—or be broken free. And we'll all know that the real you is not the one responsible for whatever horrid deeds he'll make you do. Mind control is not something you can't find in the Eidolons library of magic and spells. It's a spell, and all spells can be broken. Stop punishing yourself and feeling sorry for yourself!"

Who the hell is Edward? "It's not anything about self-pity! If you were forced to watch yourself do atrocious things to your friends, you wouldn't be so eager to excuse yourself either!" Kain retorted as he stood up himself, staring down at the little green wisp of a girl.

Rydia still looked angry, but the few times she opened her mouth, nothing came out. "Still! Terrible things happened to me and I wasn't going to just roll over and die! You can always find a way to right things!"

"Rydia, there's a huge difference between suffering an unfortunate tragedy that wasn't your fault, and a caustic guilt over unspeakable things that you caused other people, especially to friends. Yes, everyone can say it's not my fault, but to be honest, it is. The fact that Golbez could control me and draw out the worst in me so easily is testament to that. It was still me, a dark side of me, but still me. I take that as my responsibility. A crucial responsibility to root it out of me."

She looked subdued, and apologetic. Then looked up at him straight in the eye and smiled wistfully. "Yeah, you're probably right. But, if you ever ask me to kill you for any reason ever again, I'm...going to... sic Chocobo at you—I mean, turn you into a toad—or something."

"What?"

Kain could never remember another time when he went from boiling point to trying not to break down laughing when her erratic words finally sunk into his sleep-deprived brain. Half of him wanted to just squeeze her because she looked so flustered and angry. "Well, Rydia... don't worry, I'll just ask someone else."

Rydia snapped her head up in shocked anger and looked like she was about to slap him a second time. "You're horrible!"

What was going to be a slap turned into a shove at the last second, catching Kain by surprise, knocking him off balance and fighting not to fall off the rock. "WH—!"

"OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!!" Rydia cried. She tried to grab his flailing arms before he finally fell off his perch on the rock.

Kain landed in heap on the ground, his armor digging into parts of his skin. His head took a blow and he could feel bruises all over. Within seconds, Rydia warped in front of him, looking extremely worried and embarrassed.

"I see what you mean about needing to visit Mount Ordeals yourself," Kain said, taking Rydia's hand to help him stand up.

Rydia looked away and grinned as she shoved a potion in his hand. "Um, do you want me to grab someone else for night watch?"

Kain quickly drank the potion and felt the cuts and bruises heal themselves. "Only if you can help me sleep. I mean, if you can cast a dreamless sleep spell, I'd be really grateful. I haven't been able to sleep in days."

"Are you serious? You've been fighting on no sleep??"

"Does it bother you that I have?"

"Er—no... but yeah just ask me if you can't sleep tomorrow either, it's easy enough. It's a rather nice change to be using black magic for medicinal reasons..."

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**I know there are people out there that are hardcore shippers. It's not my style to get fluffy or romantic, so don't expect any of that. I do however, think that Rydia deserves someone better than Edge. Rydia and Kain barely showed any interest in each other in the game, and they probably would have continued that way. I've always thought they were both destined to be single, but that's rather cruel isn't it? It's not my intention to hook them up but if it seems okay in this story, then who knows. Let me know what you think. This may or may not continue.. based on your reviews!!**

**Please Review! Thank You!**


	2. Chapter 2: Rosa

**There's no real linear time I'm following. The following scene is when Rosa is captured up at the Tower of Zot, and her thoughts about Kain. Again, I took some liberty and changed some dialogue from the game. If you have any questions, suggestions, or helpful critiques, feel absolutely free to tell me!**

**Yeah I don't own Final Fantasy anything.**

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Ruminations

Rosa

Rosa awoke, groggily assessing where she was. It hit her (and not pleasantly at all) very quickly once the pain shot through her body from her arms, shoulders, and neck. Her hands and her arms were more or less numb from being tied up above her head.

Golbez had her hung so her feet could just barely touch the ground. Above her hung a massive blade that could easily cut her in half laterally.

How long had she been here? It felt like an eternity. She could tell without looking that her hands were probably a deathly blue pallor. Disgusting to be sure. If she could just cast a healing spell once in a while, she would be able to restore some circulation and revive her dead limbs.

"Hey."

The man in front of her turned around. This man who was her closest friend and confidant ever since they started playing together as children. But it was only a shell. She called him Kain at first, but now she realized that the Kain she knew was gone, and this person who has possessed him deserved no name.

"What? Worried about Cecil?"

_Not again. _Rosa rolled her eyes. Yes, of course she's worried about Cecil, but he didn't have to open with that line _every_ single time.

"Look, just let me cast a healing spell so my arms don't die and fall off."

"No."

"I thought you said you wanted to show me how much better you are than Cecil. You're not making me terribly convinced. Especially since even if I casted a healing spell, it's not like I can magically slip out."

That was a lie, and she knew it. If they even gave her an opening to dip into her magical reserves, she would teleport out of here immediately.

"Beautiful... so beautiful... I would do anything for you, but not right now. Not until you realize I'm the one you want, the one you should love. Not Cecil, who doesn't have a single damn bone in his body!"

Rosa kept silent. She had a spat with him the first day when she still didn't quite fully register the fact that this wasn't the Kain she knew. Where was Kain? Was Kain still there? Tears threatened to fall again when she thought she'd cried them all. It was torture to watch one of her oldest, closest friends turn into a monster. She always knew that Kain liked her, but he never once said a thing. He seemed perfectly fine when she started actually dating Cecil in their later teen years. He was still there to support her and laugh with Cecil. She always felt bad, wishing he could find someone for himself to love. Since he was quite the eligible bachelor in Baron, he definitely never lacked for girls who tried to throw themselves his way. But he also never gave them more than a passing acknowledgment.

And now, here was a completely different Kain. She had a yelling session with Golbez, trying to figure out just what he did to Kain, and Golbez only replied that he _was_ Kain, albeit a hidden part of him that has long wanted to come out.

Rosa refused to believe such a crass monster could have any connection with her friend. But...unfortunately, the longer she hung here with nothing else to do but think, she could almost start believing that maybe this was some dark part of Kain that he always kept squirreled away. That didn't make her happy at all. Does this mean he really was like this inside? Except he was just really good at keeping it under a mask of civility?

She needed to get out of here. She was going to destroy her brain ruminating on this so much. She closed her eyes, thinking of Cecil, of his warm smile and his heart of gold. Even after being forced to learn the ways of the dark sword, Cecil still had a certain warmness about him that Kain lacked. Kain always just seemed like her big brother. Ever since they were children, he was the quieter one, the calmer one, the deeper thinker. They were close, but she could never feel the same raw understanding and connection she had with Cecil.

Most of the time, when the man was there, they spent their time in silence. The man that was Kain stood or sat there almost unnaturally still. He would look at her sometimes, but she had an eerie feeling that when she couldn't keep her eyes open, he was free to watch her in a way that made her absolutely furious. Thankfully, the man never touched her except to feed her. And she really would have happily starved than go through those moments. He was too close, too eerie, and whenever he opened his mouth—talked too much. Endless avowals of love, his hatred of Cecil, something about her being perfect and beautiful...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rosa awoke, and shook off the uncomfortable sleepiness. She was alone. _Alone?_

Then she heard it, there were sounds outside the door. Golbez... and Cecil! Cecil was here! They were fighting, she could tell. Cecil and... Yang? and _Cid?_ She wanted to cry out in happiness until she heard another sound that stopped her heart. There was now a sound of something ticking right above her. It was like one of Cid's bombs, but somehow she knew this had something to do with the blade that had kept her company for so many weeks. She wriggled against the shackles, but it appeared to make the ticking go faster.

She could only stay as still as she could, barely drawing a breath. There were voices outside, she couldn't make them out. But there didn't seem to be any fighting...

Suddenly the door burst open and someone screamed her name. Cecil appeared with his sword, sprinting towards her with a look of terror on his face. In one swipe, he cut the rope and she fell into her arms. A split second later, the blade dropped, chipping the tile floor below it.

"Cecil! You came! What happened to you, you look absolutely marvelous! Oh, Cecil, Cecil, I'm so glad you came!" Tears burst out of her eyes, tears of joy, and maddening relief. Her arms were screaming in pain and she could barely will them to move, but she threw them over Cecil's shoulders anyway, as Cecil held her tightly.

Cecil held her head away from him. "Rosa, are you hurt? Are you alright? You look so pale..."

"I'm a white mage, Cecil, I'll be fine in no time!" Then, she realized that there were other people in the room. Cecil slowly let her go but held her hand, which felt like a bloated appendage.

Her gaze instantly fell on Kain, who was looking away.

"Kain..."

"He's himself again, Rosa. When we defeated Golbez, it broke the spell on him."

"Kain!"

Kain only lowered his head. "I'm sorry, Rosa, I'm so sorry..."

"It's not your fault, it wasn't you—"

"I was conscious, Rosa! I-I was conscious... but I couldn't do a thing... I'm so sorry, Rosa... I know you'll never forgive me..." Kain fell to his knees, trying to keep himself from completely losing himself. "I did... I did always wish for you to be at my side... but not like that... What have I done... the things I said..."

Rosa ran over and hugged him tightly. "I'm just glad you're yourself again, Kain. That man wasn't you—"

"It was still me... I-I don't know what happened, but I know I acted, I said—"

Rosa pulled away slowly, looking at him sadly. "No, Kain, you were taken over by Golbez. There was nothing about that man that was anything remotely like the Kain I know. You're back, and that's all that matters."

Cecil walked over, giving him a hand. "Kain..."

"Cecil, I can't... I can't forgive myself—"

"Take my hand, Kain."

Kain found himself grasping Cecil's hand anyway as his old friend pulled him up to his feet.

"Fight with us, Kain. We'll fight Golbez together."

Rosa managed what she hoped looked like a pure, sincere smile. _The man wasn't Kain... It wasn't... But...  
_

As everyone turned to leave, Rosa let her smile drop. She looked at Kain as he walked in front of her with Cecil. She felt sadness and fear that jumped to her throat every time she saw his blue dragoon armor. _Kain's come back... he's back... but... I can never look at him the same again..._

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**Questions? Suggestions? Comments? Review!**


	3. Chapter 3: Rydia

**Oh man, it's been way too long, I apologize! I've had this story on the back burner forever, but kept changing the ending. Anyway, I think it's not too bad, now, so yes, finally, after eons, it's posted!**

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Ruminations

Rydia

He hadn't said a word.

Then again he didn't talk all that much anyway. But... he hadn't talked more than a word since they defeated the monster guardian wall. It was like he wasn't happy that they got the dark crystal afterwards or something.

Sometimes he would give her a rather desperate look, which made her uneasy. But he wouldn't say anything. Now, they were all more than halfway out the cave, and those fleeting desperate glances have stopped. Rydia took another deep breath, trying to summon the courage to ask him if anything was wrong.

No one else seemed to notice. Probably because he doesn't say much normally anyway. Especially after Edge joined their group. The two hated each other at first sight. Usually he would only certainly say something if Edge makes a comment that he finds asinine.

As they turned another corner, vampire bats were spotted flying towards them. Rydia gripped her whip firmly in case any of the bats decided to attack her, but for the most part, she and Rosa generally stood back and let the men do the attacking. Bats weren't worth her time in chanting any spell for. She looked at Rosa, but her eyes were following Cecil. She and her great bow looked as relaxed as they usually do when the group of enemies was light and no one seemed to be in serious danger.

Maybe Kain's just in a foul mood. But usually he smiles at the very least, when they all cheer after dispatching a group of enemies. There he is, looking like the bats. His mood was getting colder and colder fight after fight. Why hasn't anyone noticed or cared?

She slowed her pace to walk next to Kain, and stole a sideways look at the grim-faced man and took another deep breath.

"Um, Kain, are you feeling okay?"

Kain looked at her. There was something chilling about it. "I'm fine, why?"

Rydia swallowed. "You...just seem so quiet."

She saw it again. The flash of alarmed desperation that flickered in his eyes before it was glazed back over. But now she understood. She hoped she didn't look as pale as she felt. It took all her strength not to react to it and slowly look away.

_When did it happen??_ she thought desperately. Then she knew... and nearly slapped her forehead with the palm of her hand (she smoothed out a lock of hair instead). She was so stupid, she should have been suspicious, not annoyed when Kain was completely ignoring everyone since the defeat of the guardian wall! Well, she was more than suspicious now. How could Kain have been taken so swiftly and without some kind of fight? The thought that Kain might have _let_ it happen was quickly quashed by the memory of his plea for her to kill him off if ever his mind fell into the wrong hands again.

"I am always quiet. What is there to say to one another when there is nothing to be said?"

Rydia was so caught up in her thoughts that she nearly jumped out of her skin. He was giving her a curious look, and she was really wishing now that she didn't say anything. Then again, she was really wishing she _had_ something to say to his baffling she should just walk a little faster and tag a little closer to the rest of the group...

She shrugged her shoulders instead, hoping it was a good enough reply. Should she warn the group? But there was no way for her to do it without _him_ realizing it...

Suddenly ear-splitting screeches sounded right above Rydia, causing her to throw her arms up in defense. Vampiresses unfurled within seconds at the smell of living flesh below, eager to bite the nearest target and feast. Cecil doubled back to help the girls, slashing at the hoard of bats that always accompanied the vampiresses in droves. Kain threw his spear at the vampiress above Rydia, then jumped and relinquished his weapon from the ceiling. Rydia was pleasantly shocked for a split second...until she realized Kain was about to step right on her if she didn't roll out of the way.

That wasn't very nice.

Blood rushed hotly to her cheeks and a pulse ticked loudly in Rydia's head. A quick spell for _fira _sprang forth, and she directed it at a bat that Kain was now going for. Instantly the bat burst into flames just as Kain had reached it, and scorched his hand. Oops.

"What are you doing, woman??" Kain yelled, as he went to finish a vampiress.

Rydia's face flushed with indignation. Oh that really wasn't nice at all! Woman?! The nerve!

All the spells she had learned cycled through her mind for her to pick. Suddenly she had an idea.

Her cheeks cooled rather quickly as she took out a large jar of hi-potion from the group satchel and drank it up.

Hmm...Kain, Cecil, and Edge were still hacking at the last vampiress...

"_Extra_ Small!" Rydia cried.

"What th—!"

Kain was about to deliver a stab with his spear when suddenly, he shrank to the size of Rydia's fist. Everyone—including the last vampiress—watched him shrink in complete bafflement.

"Toad!" Rydia yelled as she ran past everyone—without daring a glance at any of their faces—scooped up Kain (who was now a small blue toad), tossed him in the jar, and immediately corked the jar. As an afterthought, she poked some holes in it.

"What are you doing, Rydia??" Cecil said, smoothly taking out the still-stunned enemy in one fell swoop.

"That was awesome, Rydia! Great joke!" Edge cried, giving her the thumbs up as he bagged up the gold from the fallen enemies.

"Surely, this is not just some antic?" Rosa said, holding her hand to her mouth as if to hide a cough.

"Well, Kain... he's not himself. I-I'm absolutely certain that he has been taken over my Golbez since we got the Crystal!"

Rosa walked over and took the jar from Rydia's hands. "Really?"

"Aw, it wasn't a joke?" Edge muttered.

"Didn't anyone notice how quiet and cold he was since we got ahold of the crystal?"

Cecil, Rosa, and Edge exchanged puzzled looks.

"You're right," Rosa said finally, "I did notice he was much quieter than usual. I just thought he was maybe in a bad mood and wanted to be left alone."

The frog let out a loud croak.

"Well, I wanted to be safe that's all..." Rydia said, her face heating up from embarrassment.

There was another loud croak.

Everyone huddled around the jar and stared at the blue frog that was—or is—Kain hopping against the glass walls and making rather loud and angry croaking sounds.

Then there was a stifled sound of laughter and...

"Cecil!" Rosa said in shock, and hit him lightly on the back. The frog was really jumping wildly in jar now, which prompted Rydia to take the glass jar back from the crook of Rosa's arm.

"Sorry, Kain..." Rydia said in a low, embarrassed voice. "I promise I'll let you out when we don't have the crystal anymore..."

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**Changes the story a bit, doesn't it!? Well, I left it open-ended. In the game, the party never had a good grip on their crystals, so they'll probably lose it anyway! But, maybe they won't, that's up to you! I may pick up on what might happen if they were able to keep the crystal away from Golbez's grubby hands... but that might be from someone else's eyes!**


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